My heritage is messy and complicated and often something I don't feel like I can own or be proud of. I identify Mexican and African American as my two cultures, but being perceived as white, I'm so often in situations with people who don't believe that I can own my culture. For example, when I try to make a joke about what it's like living in a black family, people will say that I can't make those kinds of jokes because I'm not really black. And in a sense, they're right. Being perceived as white means that I have white privilege. So no, I don't know what it's like to have people treat me differently because of my skin color. I can talk all I want about how they treat my mother in the yogurt shop or the grocery store, but at the end of the day, that's not my experience.
Another issue that I continue to struggle with is what to call my paternal grandmother when I'm talking to other people. Unlike most people who claim Mexican heritage, I don't speak Spanish. However, I call my paternal grandmother wela, a shortened form of abuela, when I'm with her. Referencing her as abuela in conversation immediately establishes my Mexican heritage, while merely saying grandmother avoids the issue entirely. I've tried using both. They both feel like a lie.
On top of all of this, I've spent most of my life in Irvine. It was really hard to feel like I fit in anywhere. It still is. When I'm at school, I don't feel like I fit in with predominately white/Asian classmates because of my family. When I'm with my family, I don't feel like I fit in because of my school. I carry a piece of my school life and my home life with me everywhere, and one keeps my from fully being with the other. I don't feel legitimately Mexican and African American, but I'm not white either. For a long time, I wished that I would wake up and have nappy hair like my mom, or darker skin like my dad's family, just so I could go places and feel like I belonged somewhere. Even among my closest friends, I recognize that I am different, that I have experiences that other people can't understand. I can't even begin to say how many times people have looked between me and my mother, between me and my sister, and said "But you're not biologically related, right?"
Hi Taylor! Thanks for sharing your experience. My best friend would probably be able to relate to your post a lot, particularly that last paragraph. He refers to how he looks as "ethnically ambiguous" with dark hair, olive skin and brown eyes. If he were an actor, he could probably believably play Middle Eastern, Latin, Southern European, or any other number of ethnicities. His parents and three other siblings though: blonde hair and blue eyes. Apparently he got the 1/16th Castilian Spanish that flows through his mother's DNA. All his life he has weathered the "You must be the postman's son..." jokes. I do have to say though, as he has gotten older, he appreciates his "ambiguity" more and more. Maybe it does get better?
ReplyDeleteHi Taylor, I also sometimes feel the same way as you. Although both my parents are Mexican, I feel like I still do not fit in well with Mexican culture because I was raised in America. I have been educated in America and I have lived here all my life, but I also do not feel like I fit in well with American culture because i am raised by two Mexican parents who grew up in Mexico. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck between two different worlds.
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